Thursday, September 26, 2002

BLA BLA BLA
I'd love to fill you in about what's happened in the past week
but I'm brimming with excitement
I SAW COLIN TODAY?! do you all remember colin? the tech nerd from work that i obsessed over?
well i was disappointed when i was back at work (but this time to see a play) and i discover he's not working the lights
BUT THEN today after my dentist appointment i went to hart house to visit Lizz and I saw him! I was SO HAPPY!
I don't think he was there as a lighting guy...I think he's there as a student...since this is his first year
which means my first year will be his 4th year so i can still stalk him :)
it wasn't so exciting seeing him anymore, because I'm not so obsessed...i was probably only obsessed to make work more fun, but it did give me the hugest smile cause it made me remember the times i'd wonder around hoping to see him

heh, he's still a cutie :)

Saturday, September 21, 2002

As much as I've been thinking about how I never thought I'd be with Alan....and been wanting to write about it I have something else on my mind.
yesterday will remain in my mind infamously as the theoritcal straw that broke the camels back.

as much as i say she should die, and as much as i say i hate her, i love shannon, i love my sister, and yesterday morning may have been the last morning she woke up here.
there was a big fight today
my grandfather, my perfect family town guy, waited for my dad to leave the house, and then him and my grandmother started yelling and screaming at my sister, the most sensitive 12 yr old i know, who is in therepy for stress.
she came up to my room, crying so hard she was hyper ventilating, and saying how she hates it and she wants to leave and shes never been yelled at like that before, in between gasps for air. luckily it was friday and she goes to my moms. she packed a bag, took it to cecilias, told my dad what happened, went to cecilias. that was it. she called my mom from cecilias saying shes not going home pick her up there. my mom called me right after asking me what the fuck is going on and that shannon had called her hyperventilating in tears and she couldnt understand a word of what shannon was saying. she's dreading coming home on sunday, and shes intending to spend the entire time locked in her room.
no one blames her.
i'm going to call her today and tell her that if mom and dennis will drive her to baythorn she can stay there as long as she wants, i will pack up her stuff and dennis can pick it up on monday.
my dad has pretty much lost his youngest daughter.
my dad is furious
if all goes as he's planning, next weekend while im up north with my mom and others, he will be packing up my room

i know this isnt like all the other times hes said this
i know this time he means it
i'm going to start taking my posters down
i dont care where i move, niether does my dad, lizz will drive me to school every morning
we all know that the best thing is to move...ASAP!

my dads scared to leave me alone with them, afraid they've planned another ambushed attack on my emotional well-being like they did to my sister yesterday.

my grandparents crushed my fathers dreams as a child, judge my sister and i, judge my fathers parenting when everyone else tells him how amazing he is, and how lucky he is to have such great kids.

maybe they think he's failed because we're in therepy
maybe he thinks he and greg have failed because all 4 of us are in therepy, arthur, amara, shannon, and i.
but i know greg and my dad...they need therepy
who's worse? the parent with kids in therepy...or the parents who refuse to put their kids in therepy
we wouldnt want everyone to know the councillor has fucked up kids now would we.

i dont think im gonig to the festival anymore...
i am going to wake up early, and go to andrews race. i will watch him run, say hi, maybe tell him a bit of whats going on, stay strong, show no severe signs of emotion, and go home.
i really dont want to see the parade
i dont think watching my grandma and grandpa in the parade smiling like they are the best people in the world
because they're evil
there's no words to describe what they've put my sister threw, fuck me, fuck what they've done to me, it's shannon.

she worries me, as much as niether of us would like to admit it, she looks up to me. i dont want her to deal with pain the same way i did....i dont want her to develop a self injury problem that shes ashamed off and hates yet cant get rid of, i dont want her to start cutting
or smoking
or anything else ive done that i know is wrong
it frightens me that she looks up to me because in this case, im not one to look up to
i deal with things horribly
i want things to be better for her
i dont want her to spend her weekend in her happy place...only knowing that sunday night she will be sent back to the firey pit of hell she's been unfortunate enough to have to call her home.

and i dont want to be here either
niether does my dad

this day is a day that has changed the course of my life....i just wish it didnt happen like this
we all knew shannon was moving out eventually
but why must she be chased out of her home be harsh words of her grandparents
cold heartless grandparents who my sister thinks care nothing for her.

the only people who see how truly evil they are is their family.



Friday, September 20, 2002

im sitting here and im thinking about some stuff
im thinking about my sister and how i worry about her
i worry that she'll become like me
and im thinking about how i never thought id be going out with alan
and im thinking about how i must move out asap
and i'd love to talk to them
but i have to go out
i'll elaborate tomorrow
HI! im great
lalalallala
ANYWAYS
some people should just DIE

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

i wanna call alannnnnnn
i dunno if hes at his moms or his dads
and im scared to call him
why?
i dunno
maybe he doesnt wanna talk
thats stupid i know he does
bah
IM GOING TO KILL HER!
I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE! I CANT LIVE HERE!
I CANNOT LIVE WITH MY GRANDMOTHER

I have to talk to my dad tonight
i cant stand this
i get home from school
my room is clean
...thats not the bad thing
...the bad thing is everything is gone
everything i had on the floor is gone
my clothes are in the laundry so thats okay
but everything else.....IS GONE
my stuffed toys...EVERYTHING
i'm gonna kill something omg!
OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!

Monday, September 16, 2002

Alan is my prince charming and my knight in shining armour and that scares me. He's unbelievably amazing, sweet, everything. I don't understand, I'm quite terrified. He's not sweet for action, just because he wants to me and he thinks I deserve it. He's self-less and takes amazing care of me when I'm sick :)
well, i should go do work
BYE!

Saturday, September 14, 2002

im getting much much better, alan took amazing care of me
wel i think im gonna go eat now ttyl

Thursday, September 12, 2002

Andrew wants me back...
so i went and hung out with Kyle and him today it was so much fun

Andrew:
seeing you 2day made me realize how much i miss you
Me:
oh...ummm...im sorry?
Andrew:
no dont be!
Me:
okay
Andrew:
it not ur fault at all its mine for dumping you
Me:
you had every reason
Andrew:
well it was deff a mistake


bah
anyways
IM STILL SICK
SO FUCKING SICK
I WANT TO CRY
alan's taking really good care of me :)
I HAVE SO MUCH FUCKING WORK
AND TOMORROW'S PICTURE DAY AND EVERYTHING

he did the cutest thing in english today :) i'll scan my notes when i find out where the scanner went

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

god damn i need to talk to wayne but hes not home stupid fucker
so ANYWAYS
averil told me that she thinks alan and i should break up
actually she said he was cheating we should break up
then she said her mission was to break us up
i dont know what's up with her but that's really not cool

OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
"Just Lather, That's All" from my english text book is NOT a story for ANYONE with a history of cutting to read

I'll tell you why.....just later

Sunday, September 08, 2002

HELLO! today = day 5 of NOT being single =P
!~*ToRy+AlAn*~!
yaaaaay he's sooooooooooo sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeet
well i dont really know what to write
im soooo happy though
OH AND ROBIN BLACK WAS FUCKING AMAZING
I'll probably write again later when I'm bored!

*HuGs*AnD*kIsSeS*tO*aLaN*

Wednesday, September 04, 2002

today was cool
i spent lunch with alan and averil and people :)
after school i was with Greg and Zak till like 6:30, the two of them are so cute
it was so much fun!
gah...how long do i have to wait till i get a new boyfriend?! Alan = so cute!
Ariel says its been 5 days....5 days is good wo0! .must.go.talk.to.averil.

Tuesday, September 03, 2002

day one of school...i think i'm going to make a countdown till school ends!!!!
day 1 was okay
homeroom (civics) is okay....its gonna be great cause wayne just got this NAZI ass teacher muahaha
vocal is fine...brett is in it...arieh's in it again...no daryn....no konji! but thats okay
history with ms beckford is good...shes hilarious...i sit next to raquiya but thats okay
lunch is well lunch :) i kept looking for alan...i ended up finding him at the end...well he found me....he knows andrew cause "miss clingy" (andrews ex) thinks alan likes her....he called me sexy =D
alan - i like what you're wearing today
me - thanks
alan - no i really like it
me - thank you
alan - you look really sexy
english is okay.....today.....i heard my teachers a bitch but i havent had any problems with her yet
alan wanted to sit next to me so bad...they're single desks so we sit in desks beside each other...she annouces we're being seating according to name (^_^*)
the look of disappointment on his face was so adorable
after school it was an average day at thornhill......saw some old gifties
kyle ignored me and gave me this "dont talk to me look"
oh ya lexy still hates me

Sunday, September 01, 2002

they're all the same (^_^*)
let's see if this sounds fammiliar "i really like you tory" next day "i have a girlfriend"
remember dave did it well guess what
ROBS GOING OUT WITH NESSA
(^_^*) guys are retarded
not too mention nessa said yes but shes going out with dave so she has to dump dave

*inaudible mumbles* ...fucking soap opera....
the mall was fine
i got black airwalks....from the kids section...yes my feet are THAT small....and i got this on sleeve shirt from Urban Planet...that's right....I've bought into society...hehehehe....I only got it cause Shannon said it looked really good....
I met up with Greg....we ended up talking to fishy fishy guy and HOT GUITAR DUDE! *drools* heheheehehe
i was there for like an hour or so before I left.hahahah. i hate the mall!
Shannon got 3 pairs of pants, a bra, a shirt, a bag.
Andrew called me...he told me my friend Alan broke up with his girlfriend...i don't think Alan had a girlfriend...and how would Andrew know that?
boys are sillyheads anyways i have to go back to cleaning now....
*achoo* stupid dust :(
oh ya...rob likes me
day 2 of singledom.......it's been okay

yesterday was day 1. I went downtown with debby, we went to Candy Island *wink, wink* (i can't say why yet)...then sunrise...GOT TICKETS TO ROBIN FUCKING BLACK BABY! then went to world of posters where i got a coal chamber patch, we got food at eaton centre...went home. I ran into stalker david...he came over with jessica to swim!
lexy got home from spain! i decided i wanted to work things out with her.
wayne and her got in a big fight...i'm confused as to who hates who and what's going on.
andrew called
we barely talked before he said he'd have to call me back
andrew: shit
me: what?
andrew: i'll have to call you back
me: k
andrew: love ya

............anyone else confused by that?...............
.....................anyone else not know what *taking a break* means?.....................
i asked ariel

Ariel says:
it just means put the relationship on pause
Ariel says:
u can fuck anybody u want and not feel like u r going out with him
Ariel says:
and then sometime in the future u can start it up again

well i have to go to the mall now (GR I HATE THE MALL)
i'm going school shopping *yay...look at the enthousiasim* (and horrible spelling)
I'm meeting creepy but cute greg there at 1:30